Destress the Damsel


Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who often endured long receiving lines at the White House, complained that no one really paid any attention to what was said. He suggested people often respond superficially to shocking or unexpected statements, indicating a tendency to avoid deep engagement in conversations, choosing rather to be unreceptive than process the information.

One day, during a reception, he decided to try an experiment. To each person who passed down the line and shook his hand, he murmured, “I murdered my grandmother this morning.”

Most attendees did not react to his unusual statement and instead offered standard polite responses, “Marvelous! Keep up the good work. We are proud of you. God bless you, sir.”

It was not till the end of the line where only one person, the ambassador from Bolivia, acknowledged the statement, responding with, “I’m sure she had it coming.”

Myth or fact? Did the former president truly run this outlandish experiment on his constituents? Well, like the popular story about a young George Washington cutting down his father’s cherry tree, it is unclear whether this oft-repeated anecdote about FDR actually occurred. One way or the other, there’s a lesson in the legend: active listeners are a rare breed. Most people only half-listen at best, and some will even zone out completely when others are talking. Christians should be the exception to that rule. We ought to resemble the open-eared and quick-witted ambassador from Bolivia. As a people known by our love (John 13:35), it’s important that we show people we care by giving them our full attention when they speak.

Listen, Sister! Today, we’re going to learn the three skills required of an active listener. Now you may be thinking, “but I’m naturally a Chatty Cathy! It’s who I am. I’ll never be the ‘active listening’ type…it’s just not a part of my personality.” Here is what James 1:19 has to say: let everyone be quick to hear. Did you catch who should be quick to hear? Everyone. Yes, even the one who is a natural born “Chatty Cathy”. You may be an extrovert. You may love to tell a good story. You may enjoy getting on a soapbox from time to time. And none of these things are wrong! But what is wrong is when you allow your outgoing personality to prevent you from actively listening to others; when you let someone’s words be wasted on you as they travel in one ear and out the other; when you are primarily you-focused instead of them-focused; when you are all about responding instead of receiving.

Since everyone must be quick to hear, let’s waste no time in learning Active Listening Skill #1:


Do not merely look out for your own interests, but also for the interests of others. – Philippians 2:4

Have you ever had the misfortune of conversing with someone who was highly distracted? Perhaps they permitted their young child to repeatedly interrupt your conversation, or their eyes kept wandering off to something or someone in the distance, or, horror of horrors, they flipped out their phone and scrolled or texted or maybe even answered a phone call. If you’ve been in one of these scenarios, I’d venture to guess that you left the conversation feeling hurt, irritated, and a bit confused. “Am I really that much of a bore?” you wondered, “They didn’t listen to a single word I said!“

It crushes the self-esteem of others when we are not engaged in conversation. When someone is speaking to you (barring an emergency) strive to eliminate all distractions. If you have a young child that is inclined to interrupt, train that child to wait patiently until he or she is acknowledged and given the floor to speak: “Just a moment, Mr./Mrs. So-and-So is talking to Mommy. Wait your turn to talk. There’s a good boy/girl.” If you see/hear something so fascinating in the distance that you can’t resist giving it your attention, politely interject and invite the speaker to observe it with you: “I’m so sorry to interrupt, but look at that Model T! Haven’t seen one of those in ages. Now, picking up where we left off. You were telling me about your vacation plans?” If your phone dings, either ignore it or inform the speaker that you are going to quickly check it: “Pardon me, let me just see if this is important. Oh, it’s only my cousin asking if I’ll bring a casserole to our family reunion. I’ll text her back when I get home. Anyway, that was such a cute story about your grandson. How old is he now?” Distractions pop up sometimes. When they do pop up, always make it a point to return the conversation back to what the speaker was saying before the interruption. (When actively listening, the topic will be much easier to remember.)

One significant way to stay engaged is by maintaining eye contact. Keep your eyes trained on the speaker, and don’t attempt to take in all the sights around you. Another significant way to stay engaged is by maintaining ear contact. Keep your ears attuned to what the speaker is saying, and don’t listen in on outside conversations. Another significant way to stay engaged is by maintaining brain contact. Keep your mind focused wholly on the conversation at hand, and don’t allow your thoughts to drift away towards tonight’s meal, tomorrow’s activity, or what you want to say next. Being an active listener comes down to following the Golden Rule. Do you want people to pay attention to you when you speak? Pay attention to them!

❝Just as soon as we notice that someone has to force himself to pay attention when dealing and talking with us, we have a valid demonstration that he does not love us or that he does not love us anymore.❞ – Friedrich Nietzsche

Since everyone must be quick to hear, let’s waste no time in learning Active Listening Skill #2:


Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. – Romans 12:15

Have you ever had the misfortune of conversing with someone who was emotionally detached? They were looking right at you, but with a plastered on expression. They were nodding their head at intervals, but it seemed robotic. They were saying things like, “yeah…hmm…true…interesting“, but they sure didn’t appear all that interested. They were with you, but they weren’t with you. They weren’t matching your energy. You probably walked away from that conversation feeling depleted, because it was all give and no take. You poured out your enthusiasm and they poured out…nothin‘.

It crushes the spirit of others when we are not enthused in conversation. Just as much as people don’t enjoy talking to those who are distracted, they also don’t enjoy talking to those who are apathetic. Conversations are about forming connections, and not simply going through the motions. Active listening involves building empathy for the person talking to you. Don’t just look at the speaker…truly see them. Don’t just nod your head repeatedly…search for genuine points of agreement. Don’t just blurt out words in order to fill the air…provide thoughtful responses. Maybe you’re not ultra excited about what the other person is saying, but that’s where empathy comes in. You have to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and “rejoice/weep” with them accordingly. Are you talking to someone who is rattling on and on about college football? Maybe you’re not all that interested in the topic, but you are interested in cross-country skiing. You have to remember that if you were talking about cross-country skiing, you would be just as hyped up as the other person is about college football. You know what it is to be excited, even if your interest differs from theirs. So “rejoice” with them! Are you talking to someone whose cat just died? Maybe you’re a dog person, and you don’t give two hoots about cats. But wouldn’t your heart ache if your dog died? You know what it is to be sorrowful, even if your heartache differs from theirs. So “weep” with them!

Now, there’s no two ways about it: you can’t be enthusiastic towards the person talking to you if you don’t care about the person talking to you. If you find yourself unaffected by the joys and sorrows of others, it points to a lack of love for your fellow man. Apathy is a serious heart problem that must be acknowledged and addressed. Also, unless you happen to be a professional actor or experienced con artist, your disinterest in conversation is going to be as plain as the nose on your face. People instinctively know when you’re not connecting with them. The more apathetic you are, the less people want to talk to you. The less people want to talk to you, the more apathetic you will become. Open your heart to avoid this vicious cycle.

❝To listen closely and reply well is the highest perfection we are able to attain in the art of conversation.❞ – La Rochefoucauld, Maxims (1665)

Since everyone must be quick to hear, let’s waste no time in learning Active Listening Skill #3:


A man has joy in an apt answer, and how delightful is a timely word! – Proverbs 15:23

Have you ever had the misfortune of conversing with someone who was basically unresponsive? You tried asking them a question, and they only supplied a one word answer. You tried making a joke, and they just smiled awkwardly. You tried getting them fired up about a topic you knew them to be passionate about, and they didn’t take the bait. It wasn’t that they were distracted, and it wasn’t that they were apathetic, but still you found that your time with them was not all that enjoyable. Why? Because you were forced to carry the whole conversation due to their (extreme) reserve.

It crushes the stamina of others when we do not allow ourselves to be enjoyed in conversation. Many assume that being an active listener involves remaining totally silent while allowing other people to do all the talking, but that is simply not true. Though you might have good intentions – even regarding your silence as the offering of a humble heart – it can actually be a real burden to your companion. In truth, he/she is liable to lose steam pretty fast when attempting to carry a one-sided conversation. Active listening doesn’t mean that you can only listen and never speak. Reservedness is certainly a gentle, lovely, womanly trait, but it can be overdone. While some women go to the extreme of monopolizing conversations, still others over-correct and go to the opposite extreme of monkish silence. Extremes are rarely the answer in any situation. Instead, look for a healthy balance. Practice speaking and listening in appropriate measures: it has often been said that we should speak 20% of the time in group conversation, and 50% of the time in one-on-one conversation. So…don’t be a loud mouth schnook, but don’t be afraid to let your voice be heard. Share some of your wisdom. Share some of your passions. Share some of your life. Remember, other people should be given an opportunity to be active listeners, too!

Now, if your reserve stems from a place of genuine shyness, then that is a whole different ballgame to overcome. Different, but not impossible. The best remedy I know to battle shyness is to get your mind off of yourself and onto others. The more absorbed you are in another person, the less you care about what you look like, how you sound, the way you come across, etc. Shyness is usually triggered by focusing on ourselves way too much. Or maybe you are not shy, but your reserve stems from a place of simply not knowing what to talk about. This can indicate a need for personal growth. Educate yourself! Try a new hobby! Learn a new skill! With self-improvement, you will never run out of interesting things to share in conversation.

❝A man who listens because he has nothing to say can hardly be a source of inspiration. The only listening that counts is that of the talker who alternately absorbs and expresses ideas.❞ – Agnes Repplier, “The Luxury of Conversation,” Compromises (1904)

In conclusion…

Are you ready to become a more active listener? Then you must adopt these three skills:

I. Be Engaged. Don’t be highly distracted. Listen up!

II. Be Enthused. Don’t be emotionally detached. Perk up!

III. Be Enjoyed. Don’t be basically unresponsive. Speak up!

Listen, Sister! Do you have ears? Jesus says to…

Take care how you listen. – Luke 8:18a

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, living in Northwest Iowa. She began her monthly blog, Destress the Damsel, in January of 2014. Her favorite things include unlocking truths from God’s word, spending time with her husband, playing with her kitties, reading a quality book, watching a wholesome movie, mastering a retro video game, tidying her home, and soaking up the sunshine. She is passionate about sharing Biblical Womanhood in the hopes that some woman, somewhere, will be better for it.

Workwoman’s Comp

by


You’re picking up toys on the living room floor for the fifteenth time today
Matching up socks, sweeping up lost Cheerios that got away
You put a baby on your hip, color on your lips, and head out the door

While I may not know you, I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?
Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long

As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
‘Cause He made you to do
Every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace with every move that you make
And every little thing you do

In Steven Curtis Chapman’s 2011 hit song, “Do Everything”, he opens with these words of encouragement for homemakers who have lost their sense of purpose. In the song, he goes on to address white collar workers, blue collar workers, students, missionaries, etc. His message remains the same to each of these groups: your job matters, just as long as you are working for the glory of God. And the passing of 15 years has not dulled Mr. Chapman’s timeless message. Give it a listen if you need a pick-me-up! Sometimes we all need reminding that our work here on earth is not in vain.

In this month’s article, Workwoman’s Comp: For Those Hurt on the Job, my goal is to remind you that homemaking is a worthy enterprise, even in spite of the trials and tribulations one may suffer on account of her domestic duties. Now you might be asking, what in the world is “workwoman’s comp”? This is just a bit of word play on my part–a spoof of the term “workman’s comp”–since my audience is female. You know what “workman’s comp” is: it’s insurance that provides medical and wage compensation to people who are injured or become ill at work. Typically, the injuries and illnesses that a homemaker suffers are those of the mind, rather than those of the body. What kind of compensation can there be for pains that are emotional and not physical? For example, will a wife be “entitled to compensation” when she has served a critical and disagreeable husband? Will a mother be “entitled to compensation” when she has served ungrateful and demanding children? Will a homemaker be “entitled to compensation” when she has been consistently overworked and underpaid? Can there ever be an “injury settlement” for such a one? I am here to tell you that, yes, there is indeed compensation for those “hurt on the job”…though this compensation is not of a financial nature. Have you sustained homemaking related injuries? Today, I am going to educate you on two forms of compensation that you can claim. First, let us learn about “Injury Settlement” #1:


In the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain. – Philippians 2:16b

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith. – 2 Timothy 4:7

When others do not appreciate our good efforts, it’s easy to overlook the fact that we can appreciate our own good efforts.

If you pay all the household bills on time and your husband doesn’t give you any credit for it, did you still pay the bills on time? If you whip up a tasty lasagna and your children scarf it down without a word of thanks, did you still whip up a tasty lasagna? If you clean the house from top to bottom just to have your family carelessly wreck it again, did you still clean the house from top to bottom? Feelings may answer “no”, but truth answers “yes”. The disregard of others does not negate the reality of a job well done. Others may fail to recognize your worth, but they cannot stop you from seeing your own. While it is wonderful to receive outside validation, the harsh reality is that you may never receive any. Will you lose all self-confidence? Will you rage? Will you weep? Will you throw in the towel? Or will you look upon your work, and say within yourself, “I did well“?

If you know you have a critical, disagreeable husband, are you not setting yourself up for disappointment by looking to receive credit from him? Instead of expecting credit, take a few moments to revel in the new “zero balance” on each bill you pay, and thank God for the money supply you have from which to draw. If you know you have ungrateful, demanding children, are you not setting yourself up for disappointment by looking to receive thanks from them? Instead, take a few moments to savor the aroma, sight, and taste of the lasagna you made, and thank God for the hands you have to prepare meals with. If you know you have a careless family, are you not setting yourself up for disappointment by looking for them to help you maintain a clean and tidy home? Instead, take a few moments to cross each completed chore off your to-do list (supremely satisfying), and thank God for the energy you have to stay productive. Always take time to admire a job well done. Much personal satisfaction can be found in having faithfully accomplished the tasks that are yours to perform. Carry on, keep your chin up, do not grow weary of doing good (2 Thessalonians 3:13b).

❝Hang on the walls of your mind the memory of your successes. Take counsel of your strength, not your weakness. Think of the good jobs you have done. Think of the times when you rose above your average level of performance and carried out an idea or a dream or a desire for which you had deeply longed. Hang these pictures on the walls of your mind and look at them as you travel the roadway of life.❞ – James Whistler

Now, let us learn about “Injury Settlement” #2:


Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. – Proverbs 31:31

Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master. – Matthew 25:21b

When others do not appreciate our good efforts, it’s easy to overlook the fact that the King of Kings appreciates our good efforts.

Scripture reminds us time and again that the praise we should be looking for is that which comes from God, rather than people. We homemakers don’t do what we do because we are “striving to please men“…we aren’t performing “eye-service, as men-pleasers“…nor “with external service, as those who merely please men“. (Galatians 1:10; Ephesians 6:6; Colossians 3:22) Here is what the aforementioned passages tell us we ought to focus on: “seeking the favor of God…be[ing] a bond-servant of Christ“, “doing the will of God from the heart“, and “fearing the Lord“. The world claims that “no good deed goes unpunished“, but Christians know that no good deed goes unrewarded. We are promised that the One who takes note of our every action will see to it that we are recompensed for the time and energy we sacrifice for others. (Matthew 6:4; Colossians 3:23-24) Our Father will always take time to award a “well done” job. As the popular hymn asks, “won’t it be grand to hear Him say, ‘well done’?” Certainly there is no greater honor. Remember Who it is that you are working for. He sees every bill you pay, every lasagna you make, every surface you clean.

❝What you do in your house is worth as much as if you did it up in heaven for our Lord God. We should accustom ourselves to think of our position and work as sacred and well-pleasing to God, not on account of the position and work, but on account of the word and faith from which the obedience and work flow.❞ – Martin Luther

In conclusion…

A “Job Well Done” is a “Well Done Job“!

A “Well Done Job” is a “Job Well Done“!

Homemaker, have you ever been “hurt on the job”? Take heart, for there are two forms of compensation you can claim. One of these is a “Job Well Done“…the compensation of taking joy in your own work. The other is a “Well Done Job“…the compensation of knowing God will be your rewarder. When you remember who you are and Whom you serve, the “injuries and illnesses” begin to fade away, and your life’s purpose will be made clear.

❝This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering I may make to God. Therefore, it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God’s way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness.❞ – Elisabeth Elliot

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, living in Northwest Iowa. She began her monthly blog, Destress the Damsel, in January of 2014. Her favorite things include unlocking truths from God’s word, spending time with her husband, playing with her kitties, reading a quality book, watching a wholesome movie, mastering a retro video game, tidying her home, and soaking up the sunshine. She is passionate about sharing Biblical Womanhood in the hopes that some woman, somewhere, will be better for it.